Will you blow on my dice?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
