in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't deserve a penis
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
