morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
