I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
