and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When are your genitals available?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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