It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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