he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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