Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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