i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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