Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
