just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
