Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
