I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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