my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
