those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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