either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
