I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
