I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
