pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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