Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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