Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
