I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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