Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
