**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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