awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this beer tastes like vomit already
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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