I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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