Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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