I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
honey bunches of taint.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
