And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
