did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
