I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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