someone threw a dead crab at me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
