I just pynch a tree in the face
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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