Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
