the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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