I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
