Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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