Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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