Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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