my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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