this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
