I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
if only i could text you this smell
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
