The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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