There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
