The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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