Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
