i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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