I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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