Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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