My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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