I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
