ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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