sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just high enough for therapy.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
